A close friend of ours wanted to share this special day with us...
(and so I'll share hers with you)Hello Butch and Bear,
Now don't read this if you are about to eat, you're thinking about eating or you have indeed already eaten. This is not a story to be trifled with believe me.
Last night when I started that email I wrote to you, right after I rang you in fact, I desperately felt the need to go to number 2's. I got to the loo, dropped my daks and a little flurry of small pebbly poos came out. Nice....but I knew that wasn't the end of it. I knew that was a prelude to a monster and I was right. I got down and pushed with all my might but this bugger was stuck in there fast. I knew it was going to be a long haul.
I called for my laptop and continued writing my email to you. You may have noticed some glaring typos. I was sweating profusely and at times had both hands pushing the walls to get traction. Nothing doing..... it wasn't going anywhere.
Every time I stood up of course, the need still felt urgent as the monster was now lying dormant along the length of my back passage and was refusing to leave. This scenario was to repeat itself many times until I finally gave up about 12.30 and the monster and I became uneasy bedfellows.
Several more trips to the room of torture as the toilet had now become known in my mind and still that toxic bastard was digging in for the long haul.
Then the break through.......
I won't describe the particulars of my butt cheek manoeuvres but finally I could feel the monster peeking out. I gave one almighty push against the walls....my legs were shaking wildly as if I were deep within a climax which I can assure you I was not.......my chocolate starfish was squealing with the strain and then KER SPLASH.....followed seconds later by a GOODOOSH. Let me say here and now I am so pleased that sucker split in half of its own accord because I didn’t think it would get around the S-bend.
The relief was palpable......I felt 10 kilos lighter.....
I flushed that evil being immediately after the wipe and the toilet just filled with water. Of course both halves were seating neatly beside each other and were completely blocking the entrance to freedom. What's with this monster anyway and it's need to find itself imprisoned? I'm afraid I had to beat it to death with the toilet brush until the water finally subsided and I was able to safely leave knowing it couldn't come back to haunt me.
THE END… thank heaven.
Oh by the way... Happy Anniversary to you both.
Now don't read this if you are about to eat, you're thinking about eating or you have indeed already eaten. This is not a story to be trifled with believe me.
Last night when I started that email I wrote to you, right after I rang you in fact, I desperately felt the need to go to number 2's. I got to the loo, dropped my daks and a little flurry of small pebbly poos came out. Nice....but I knew that wasn't the end of it. I knew that was a prelude to a monster and I was right. I got down and pushed with all my might but this bugger was stuck in there fast. I knew it was going to be a long haul.
I called for my laptop and continued writing my email to you. You may have noticed some glaring typos. I was sweating profusely and at times had both hands pushing the walls to get traction. Nothing doing..... it wasn't going anywhere.
Every time I stood up of course, the need still felt urgent as the monster was now lying dormant along the length of my back passage and was refusing to leave. This scenario was to repeat itself many times until I finally gave up about 12.30 and the monster and I became uneasy bedfellows.
Several more trips to the room of torture as the toilet had now become known in my mind and still that toxic bastard was digging in for the long haul.
Then the break through.......
I won't describe the particulars of my butt cheek manoeuvres but finally I could feel the monster peeking out. I gave one almighty push against the walls....my legs were shaking wildly as if I were deep within a climax which I can assure you I was not.......my chocolate starfish was squealing with the strain and then KER SPLASH.....followed seconds later by a GOODOOSH. Let me say here and now I am so pleased that sucker split in half of its own accord because I didn’t think it would get around the S-bend.
The relief was palpable......I felt 10 kilos lighter.....
I flushed that evil being immediately after the wipe and the toilet just filled with water. Of course both halves were seating neatly beside each other and were completely blocking the entrance to freedom. What's with this monster anyway and it's need to find itself imprisoned? I'm afraid I had to beat it to death with the toilet brush until the water finally subsided and I was able to safely leave knowing it couldn't come back to haunt me.
THE END… thank heaven.
Oh by the way... Happy Anniversary to you both.
There are some people you just can't help but love.
4 comments:
I LOVE whoever wrote that Bear. What a fantastic sense of humour. Not quite appropriate for anniversary wishes but very funny.
....and it would be very remiss of me not to add my own happy wishes to both you and Butch. I just read your poem and it's lovely and NOT too mushy. I would kill for someone to write a poem like that to me.
Romany Angel:
We love her too, she's quite a character.
Thank you for your kind words and wishes. I hope all is going well for you, Angel, we miss you.
{{{Bear hugs}}}
That sounds just like a description of me in the delivery room...
except for the toilet brush part. They didn't let me have a toilet brush.
AH-HAhahahaha. My word verification is "itchl". A perfect description of my last 2 weeks!
Happy Anniversary!
Give your friend some Metamucil.
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